Freedom™ and the 2008 Trifecta of Absurdity

September 28th, 2008

I’ve been hear­ing reports about Free­dom™, a new fran­chise that’s tak­ing the world by storm. It was founded shortly after the Sep­tem­ber 11th attacks on the World Trade Cen­ter and has sev­eral patents pend­ing. Don’t even try to fuck with these peo­ple. They have never been ones to back away from a fight.

Born again fighter pilot and pres­i­dent George W. Bush was leg­endary in his bat­tles with the Ene­mies of Free­dom™ in the early dark days of the new mil­len­nium. It was a long, hard road, lit­tered with bil­lions of oil soaked dol­lars and a seem­ingly bot­tom­less down­ward spi­ral of esteem from the greater world com­mu­nity, but it was what Amer­ica needed to ensure its secu­rity from lunatics wav­ing box cutters.

How­ever, George Bush, even after all of his great achieve­ments, only laid the ground­work for pos­si­bly the great­est hero of our time…

You could barely tell dur­ing the Sep­tem­ber 26, 2008 debates, but hid­den under John McCain’s well starched suit was a jet pack with enough fuel to fly him per­son­ally back to Wash­ing­ton D.C., just in case the Econ­omy starts to sud­denly crum­ble and he needs to hold the entire thing on those fierce, war hard­ened, seventy-something shoulders.

John’s the real deal. A fighter and a mav­er­ick. An hon­est to God Amer­i­can hero. And you can bet all your hard earned money that he’ll mus­cle his way through those Wash­ing­ton fat cats and fix this rogue econ­omy once and for all.

No one could have ever pre­dicted the prob­lems on Wall Street before Pres­i­dent Bush announced them — but only John McCain had the light­ning fast reflexes to halt his cam­paign in its tracks and save the day. And rest assured, he will win the war with the econ­omy — or die trying!

Speak­ing of death, there are some who are silly enough to worry over John’s health… What these peo­ple fail to rec­og­nize is that God has per­son­ally (per­son­ally!) picked an even bet­ter fighter, a more mav­er­icky mav­er­ick… a woman who has stared into the evil eyes of Vlad Putin all the way across the Bering Strait and lit­er­ally froze the Russ­ian Prime Min­is­ter in his place. If there’s any­one left won­der­ing why the KGB hasn’t been knock­ing at his door over the last eigh­teen months, he has only to look to hockey mom Sarah Palin.

Make no mis­take, this is a ticket backed by Jesus Him­self. And there are still too many good old boys out there who know bet­ter than to put their trust in a black man.

Let’s just take a look at the real issues for a moment: Most of the world — com­prised of god­less idiots spout­ing non­sense about evo­lu­tion and plan­ets rotat­ing around the sun — is under the mis­taken impres­sion that it’s more than a few thou­sand years old. Some of them smoke pot. Some of them are gay. Some of them try to com­pete with Free­dom™, offer­ing up their own dan­ger­ous ver­sions which don’t include such neces­si­ties as war­rant­less wire taps, off­shore con­cen­tra­tion camps, and ter­ror­ist watch lists com­plete enough to include every­one five years old and up. They are a bunch of sissies who have the com­pletely unpa­tri­otic audac­ity to ques­tion authority.

And they all believe in killing babies. That’s right. Killing babies — long before they can be sent into places like Iraq or Afghanistan to get their arms and legs blown off in the name of their coun­try. It’s as if these peo­ple don’t know that the only choice a woman should ever have is whether or not her son or daugh­ter will die for Freedom™.

Only the most stub­born, immoral freaks could in good con­science vote for a man like Obama, a man who acts like these impor­tant issues don’t even exist.

Remem­ber, boys and girls, the ancient wis­dom of The Book of Rev­e­la­tion — he will come like a thief, and you will not know at what time. One must be eter­nally and neu­rot­i­cally vigilant.

What’s with all these dis­trac­tions, like the mid­dle class and health care and edu­ca­tion? Energy inde­pen­dence? If God was able to guide his prophet Sarah Palin in build­ing the Alaskan pipeline, don’t you think He can guide her in solv­ing America’s energy prob­lems? That is, if He even needs to solve the energy prob­lems. Don’t for­get that the Sec­ond Com­ing is long overdue.

Yes, my friends, these are excit­ing times! And if you’re a fel­low Cana­dian, you not only have the priv­i­lege of watch­ing how things are done in a real coun­try — you get to play along too. The hope is that we’ll be so blinded by the polit­i­cal wrestling match to our south that we won’t even notice Slick Steve Harper weasel his way into another minor­ity gov­ern­ment. Once firmly in place again, he and his party will be able to redou­ble their efforts to stick us with ridicu­lous copy­right leg­is­la­tion, chip away at our con­sti­tu­tion, and sell off our nat­ural resources to coun­tries that can man­age them bet­ter. But really, if you can for­get about the party that intro­duced it for just a moment, you have to admit that Slick Steve did a great job slash­ing the GST.

Sure he might just seem like a slightly smarter ver­sion of G-dubya, taken down to a CBC-approved level of pro­duc­tion qual­ity, but if we’re gonna get to hang with the big kids, we need some­one will­ing to kiss each and every ass, and we need a party that can show its true inner pimp and sell us out to whoever’s buy­ing. And for that sacred job, there’s no one bet­ter than Slick Steve and his merry Alliance of Conservatives.

God will­ing, Harper, Palin, and McCain (though he may not live to see the promised land) will lead us all into yet another decade full of fear and trembling.